alright, I will give you a real poem now, will you please critique?

Question

Autumn Soak

Huddled together conspiratorially
The trees in her backyard sway rhythmically
The rhythm remarkably smooth, intense
She sits in her hot tub feeling quite tense

A tarp is thrown over the antique jeep
The wind’s lifting blowing; gives her the creeps
Wind chimes are tinkling at far away house
Up the stairs creeping a menacing louse

Dried autumn leaves scrape pavement morosely
She sits attentive, listening closely
Hot water embracing; wind idly gusting
Apprehensions ease, slowly adjusting

Breathing in deeply, senses igniting
No longer anxiety inciting

Answer 1

I like the thought of a hot tub, I'm freezing!!!!!!!!!!!



Hmm...it looks like I have a lot of punctuation.

Ffffffrrrrreeeeeeezzzzzzzzing!!!!!!!!



I was just caught in the rain sailing, I want that hot tub now!



"Sometimes it all falls into place, other times it splashes in your face"

(Ian Dury)

I withdrew my link it was too depressing.

Youtube suggested this to me this morning, I think they are getting to know me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=20ed9m18meE&feature=channel_page

Answer 2

The anxious nature of this poem quite relaxes me. I actually felt more anxiety near the end.



Ahem - and as for criticism. I am not qualified. So I'll just say it made me feel something and that's good enough for me.

Answer 3

You had me at 'hot tub'! Really now, great imagery. I felt it! But I am really envious!!!



Haven't been on quite as much, but I relate to this better than the 'hamster' stuff! tehe Left a few belated comments to previous poems. Sorry!

Answer 4

Goodun

Answer 5

Just what everybody needs, a house louse, beyond his time! Can someone invent a big enough trap for this mouse?

Answer 6

just add some commas

I think....



nice flow, great images

Hear the tarp, the chimes, the water, the echoes of thoughts....

Answer 7

You capture so well a moment in time and how you feel at that particular moment.



I am glad you are claiming 'Yala' as your own; it is wonderfully peaceful.



Wish you serenity and calmness; you deserve to feel happy and content.



Be well.

Answer 8

Love it, but I'd rearrange the words in the last line.

From

No longer anxiety inciting

to

anxiety, no longer inciting.



Just seems to flow better that way. (To me, that is...;¬)

Answer 9

Good job

Answer 10

I really like it, but then, I'm partial to things that rhyme.

Answer 11

a weed by any other name.....still stinks the same............seamanab