Question:
I have written this poem what are your thoughts?
1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
I have written this poem what are your thoughts?
21 answers:
coolgirl123
2009-05-12 20:37:27 UTC
I revisited childhood again. Beautiful, nostalgic, and heartwarming.
2009-05-13 07:20:28 UTC
You Rock!

That was music. Better than music, it appealed to all my senses. This is what poetry is all about. Thank you!
Dondi
2009-05-13 06:10:56 UTC
I am copying the instructions for a partensa repressa as written by the creator of said form. Your only flaw is to mix meters. The meter isn't important, except that it remains constant throughout. It can be rhymed or not, but syllable count must remain constant.



PARTENZA REPRESA



“The Partenza Represa is an original form created by me, Dawn Slanker. It contains any number of four line stanzas which can rhyme or not rhyme depending on preference. The most important features of this form are that it maintains strict syllable line count of your choosing and that each line must begin (anywhere you like) with the last portion of the preceding line. Also, it’s important to point out that you have the option of either continuing the first line of each stanza with a refrain from the line preceding it or you may choose to begin an entirely new line for each stanza. I don’t know exactly how I came to create this form except to say it was pretty much by accident. I was playing around with an idea for a special poem for my little one, but I couldn’t decide on any particular form, so I just started a free write that lead to an idea to create a wrapped refrain. I suspect that this idea was influenced by my recent interest in studying all known forms of poetry. I began with the French forms which all contain some sort of repeating line. I very much enjoyed these forms and count them among my favorites. However, I didn’t want to just repeat a line, I wanted to see what would happen if I wrapped each preceding line into the next. Then, being a student of structure, I decided that it should also maintain a set meter and rhyme. I really didn’t expect to create anything worth keeping, but I was pleasantly surprised to find that many other friends and poets seemed to enjoy it as well. I was so excited to see how each individual poet was able to maintain their own voice and style despite the nature of the form. Each one brought something fresh and exciting to my funny little form and that is when I decided to allow for more artistic freedom by making the criteria for rhyme and syllable count optional.”
John S.
2009-05-13 05:05:16 UTC
On the face of it, the poem is laid out to suggest meter, rhythm, and rhyme but instead you've employed free verse with some structural elements. Most of your poem is written in pentameter but you play a bit with quatrameter in your first stanza. My only thought is that if a poem is like a dance, you begin with a Fox Trot but then quickly switch to a Rumba. Your reader wants to take your lead but thinks, "What's she doing?" when you change it up. So it's a bit tricky to fall into your ultimate rhythm and you might tinker a little more with the first stanza to make it roll off the tongue a bit easier and as a prelude to the rest of the poem in the development of your main thought.



The convention of repeating the last word in each line is interesting as a substitute for rhyming, but it gets a little predictable, almost like a word game I've seen played even here on Yahoo! Answers by point gamers with no better questions to ask (i.e."Follow me with a sentence using the last word of my last sentence"). So the attention then goes to how crafty is your employment of that word again, and in a few places it comes off as only top of mind extensions rather than a twist delivering an interesting new thought or image.



I wasn't sure where the poem was really going at first. Was this a pastoral piece to celebrate the beauty of nature? As it turns out, it was a love poem in remembrance of perhaps the greatest love of the writer's life. By virtue of the last line, it all comes into perspective and it is a beautiful thought. In my interpretation, I see this as a poem written by an old man remembering that day in his childhood when he met Sophie who he fell in love with, married and lived the rest of his days in happiness with. The last line is a really beautiful stroke and gives the poem real depth and meaning. But it leaves the reader hungry for a bit more...a note of completion.



If you'd like to make this poem even greater, think about adding an additional stanza at the end to summarize what Sophie has meant to the writer all these years and how his life has been enriched in such a profound way just by knowing and loving her. Write it from the point of view of a man made rich by the love she brought him and all the wiser for choosing her as his mate in life.



As my literary master taught me before I began my ventures into better writing, he noted "Great writing is never written...it is RE-written." You have a wonderful start here. I offer these tiny points as perhaps a way to make it little better. Hope this helps.
Scott
2009-05-12 21:24:33 UTC
it's like a beautiful dream slipping from my mind moments after I awake.
Semp-listic!
2009-05-12 16:04:05 UTC
My thoughts are not as important as where this poem took me.
giveitmybest
2009-05-13 06:30:36 UTC
I think the way you've written this is very creative, without taking away at all from the beautiful story that you tell. Thank you for another great read!
2009-05-13 02:09:34 UTC
The story of your poem and its images work nicely and the climbing rhyme of the lines in each tetrastych is reminiscent of that device in the partenza represa. Now my recollection is that those partenza lines are supposed to be written in iambic tetrameter, and these lines are neither iambic nor tetrameter... but they are lovely.
Mizzy
2009-05-12 20:34:12 UTC
Smiling!!!

little hands..............babies breath

growing up..............gentle breezes

hearts entwined.......strong vines





This is wonderful!!!

Beautifully done!
Socrates
2009-05-13 06:50:44 UTC
This is wonderful!



A couple of nitpicks:

1)Sylvie disappears and Sophie shows up --

makes the focus ambiguous

2)Adolescence is a state or condition.

Adolescents are young adults. There are several

ways to fix this in the poem, the simplest is to make

the second instance 'adolescents' -- it won't hurt.



Suggestion:

Repeat the last line to give a sense of finality to the poem.

It will also give emphasis to the sentiment that line holds.

The creative idea of repeating a word in the next line

leads to a constant sense of expectation. Repeating the

last line will be like putting a hem on cloth -- a finish.



I don't like to dissect a poem so much.

I don't know why I did so here.

This is really good.



.
Mo Mo
2009-05-13 04:19:04 UTC
This is such a neat format,I have never used it but think that I am going to have to start using it in my poetry. And it's such a good story that is being told! Keep Writing!



My head sits in my hands

My hands have suffered in the toil of labor

That labor has destroyed what used to be

What used to be was my family,friends,home

And that home just ain't here

Here there is hate,disgust,anger

And my anger wells over anyone's

Anyone can be angry,but they've never felt pain like this

Only I know what pain really is.





how's that for my first shot?
?
2016-04-10 08:08:56 UTC
And I was waiting for a long epistle! I don't think your disclaimer 'because they're flowers' will get you off with the lady folk although I liked the tongue in cheek humor.
?
2009-05-13 04:07:35 UTC
I feel like this draws me into a beautiful dream state. Thank you for sharing your talent. Beautiful.
© ♪♫♪ tori ♫♪♫
2009-05-13 02:20:08 UTC
This is lovely; a wonderland visit to a childhood that was not mine, but one which brought so many memories of other children to mind. t
♥αѕн♥
2009-05-12 23:02:43 UTC
wow, wow, and wow, that was sooooooooooo awesome, seriously, I loved it, loved your tone, the story behind it, the music in it, each and every word, even teh name you chose, lovely, you better keep writing, you do have a talent :)
it's me
2009-05-13 06:00:13 UTC
You are very good at these. Fond memories, though different, it brings to me.
BlueBelle Got Spanked
2009-05-13 05:54:20 UTC
Breezy and beautiful. I love these.
Regwah
2009-05-12 19:14:44 UTC
That is so beautiful.
?
2009-05-13 04:28:48 UTC
WOW!!!, I'm speechless.
2009-05-12 19:15:22 UTC
I really like it. It's beautiful.

Keep writing, please. =)
Darbz
2009-05-13 13:10:54 UTC
beautiful poem, thanks


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